When Jesus was giving an illustration to His followers of how much God the Father has given us through His Holy Spirit, He used the example of evil fathers on earth. He said that though they are evil, they know how to give good gifts to their children. God clearly expects that even evil fathers will give to their children.
From this illustration, we can assume that a definition of a father (good or evil) is one who gives to his children. What does he give? In the scripture above, the father is giving what the son asked for. By the mere fact that our children exist, they are asking us to be good fathers.
Our children are totally dependent on us, their parents. They must be taught, trained, developed, supported, and given time to grow. They come into the world na?ve and inexperienced. Without adults to raise them – they do not survive.
Our children are asking us to take them to the park, help them with their homework, smile at them, be around when they need us, teach them how to play checkers, buy them a new doll, take them to church, show them how to ride a bicycle and basically just to care about them.
- Love
The right relationship with your children starts with loving them. The issue is not how you feel about your children because love is not an emotion or a feeling. It is a decision. To love means to give ? to give of yourself.
Jesus taught us that Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends (John 15:13 NIV). Love takes commitment because we do not always want to give. We do not always want to spend that money on them or play that game or change that diaper or go talk to their teachers.
If you want to be a good father you have to decide to give of yourself to your children. That is the first principle of Good FatherHood, love. Start out right by deciding to love.
- Nurture
The second principle of Good FatherHood is nurture. God tells us in Ephesians 6:4 KJV to bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. The key is to bring them up ? to nurture them. You cannot bring your children up by pointing them at the television and then let them go. They must learn from us. We must oversee them by raising them. This is a pro-active process not a passive process. As fathers, we are directors, facilitators and participants – not observers or absentee landlords.
In the Amplified Bible the same scripture says, rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord. The key words are rear, counsel and tenderly.
Rear and counsel tells us what to do. To rear means to take care of, nurture, watch over, and look after. Counsel means to provide guidance, direction, warning, and advice. This is underscored by another term in this verse, admonition which means cautionary advise, warning or reprimand. This is all part of a parent’s responsibility to their children.
Tenderly tell us how to do it. I know some of you might not want to hear this tenderly business, but this is what the Bible says. Tenderly does not mean womanly.
It means lovingly, caringly, compassionately and kindheartedly. It should come from your heart.
You do not have to be sweet – but you do need to care. If you care then you will raise your children for their benefit – that is, you will prepare them for their future, their future of tomorrow, their future of five minutes from now and their future of twenty years from now.
Rear your children by raising them.
- Discipline
The third principle of Good FatherHood is discipline. We often get confused when the word discipline is mentioned.
Yes discipline includes handing out punishment – if it is appropriate.
Repeating Ephesians 6:4 from the Amplified Bible, rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord.
The word discipline has at least two meanings.
It can mean to punish or it can mean to instruct. I believe this is why God put the concepts of training and discipline together, because He wants to make it clear that He is primarily concerned with teaching and preparing.
This is what Jesus did. He taught. Even the Jewish scribes and Pharisees called him teacher (Matthew 12:38 AMP).
The broader and more important aspect of discipline (teaching or preparing) should come first ? long before punishment is necessary. The more teaching and preparing we do the less punishment we have to do.
At Dictionary.com the first definition of discipline reads as follows:
Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement.
The Strong’s Concordance which provides definitions of words used in the Bible was found on the bible.crosswalk.com website.
It tells us that the word discipline (paideia in Greek, #3811) in Ephesians 6:4 as used in the New American Standard Bible (NASB), in part, means the following:
the whole training and education of children (which relates to the cultivation of mind and morals ?
Here is an example of the need for discipline in action. Have you ever been in a grocery or discount store shopping and seen some parent struggling with their young child who might be throwing a temper tantrum? You know the scene. The child asks for something. The parent says no and the child erupts, either telling his parents no or hitting them or rolling on the floor. The poor parents are so embarrassed they do not know what to do. They might try bribing the child with a trip to MacDonald?s or offer them some candy or make some unreasonable promise in an effort to get the child to obey. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
All of that is generally a result of a lack of discipline. The child has to realize who is in charge, and if the child has not been taught, then we could assume that the parent does not know him or herself.
I believe the way to handle this is first through training. Before going to the store (or anywhere in public) the child has to be given proper guidelines about what is appropriate behavior and what is not. This takes time to teach to your children and requires constant repetition.
Also, the child has to understand that there is a consequence for inappropriate behavior. When or if inappropriate behavior comes, get down on the child?s level – on one knee (eyeball to eyeball) and remind your child through a clearly stated and unemotional warning – of what is appropriate and what is not. If the inappropriate behavior continues, then a firm reminder of the consequence should accompany the second warning. If the inappropriate behavior still continues, then the consequence must be given without hesitation and without emotion or anger.
This is where many parents are shy about discipline. They do not want to hurt little Johnny. Or, they do not want to deal with Johnny?s resistance or reaction.
Some parents need to realize that Johnny is just engaging you in a test of wills. By you being consistent, preparing the child ahead of time and following through when necessary ? you will prevail. Your child will be trained.
We must prepare our children by training them for their future or they will not learn to discipline themselves. What kind of adulthood will they have to look forward to ? one with no constraints?
- Responsibility
Fathers, are you ready for that kind of responsibility? We certainly hope so because that is the fourth principle of Good FatherHood, responsibility.
Your children are your responsibility not the state’s, not their school teachers’, not the mother?s alone, not the grandparent?s, not the street’s, and not some gang?s. They are your responsibility. Everything we talk about in this book has to do with your responsibility as a man, as a parent, and as a father, to bring your children up.
The chief responsibility we discuss under this principle is financial responsibility.
You are responsible to provide for them. “I remember one time when I was in family court for child support issues. I was severely behind – more than you could imagine. The judge asked me, “What are they supposed to eat, air?” The judge did not really understand that I was having a tough time financially, neither did my children’s stomachs. My responsibility was still to provide for them. This is an area that I, like many other separated-fathers, have had difficulty with. But nonetheless, we are still responsible for the financial wellbeing of our children.
Let us be frank, and not make excuses. Few of us like the idea of putting money into the hands of our children’s mother. But how many of us like the idea of our children not eating or not having a warm winter coat? Like it or not, if our children live with their mother and not with us, then we have to give her child support – just the same as if the children lived with their father then the mother would have to give child support to the father. Many of us would say, “No, I do not want her money. I will support my children.” Well good, fine, no problem. But, if you were in the position of having to make ends meet for everyone, including yourself and the children then you just might see the financial light and want – or more correctly – need – that child support to supplement your own income and to insure your family’s financial wellbeing. Well, that is how it is for your children?s mother; pay the support!
Some mothers are better than others at managing the financial resources that are available to them. Some never have enough, some are just able to make ends meet and others are even able to get ahead. Well, God bless them all. My children need to have all the essentials. Just as I have been behind on my support payments – more than once and in significant numbers, if my sons? mother is able to get ahead with what she gets from child support – I am for it – because as the custodial mother she carries the weight that many separated-fathers just do not have a clue about.
If the child?s mother is taking care of business then you have no reason to complain – so do not. Get off her back. Let here handle things the way she sees fit.
However, if there are problems in any areas then you have the responsibility to address them in a proper fashion.
If you are behind in your payments then you may have to get a second job, a part-time job to catch up.
If you pay your child support then you have handled your main financial responsibility. But, you also have a financial responsibility to make sure your children have money in their pocket ? when needed. Pay them an allowance. Do not think that because you have paid your child support payments that that?s all of your financial responsibility ? or that it handles all of their needs. Be prepared to also buy them some clothes and pay for their school trips etc.
More on relations with your children?s mother in Chapter Six.
- Commitment
The fifth principle of Good FatherHood is commitment. As I write this, I am reminded of my youngest son’s last high school football awards dinner. His mother and I sat at the same table across from each other with other parents as we basked in the glow of our son’s achievements. Not only had he completed four years of football but he also had a 90 average at one of the top schools in the city. What I noticed was that of the dozen or so football stars who received special awards for achievement on the field, when they received their trophies many thanked God, some thanked their mother, some thanked their parents. None of them singled out their fathers for thanks. Is that because fathers were less involved?
Good parenting should never be done to get a thanks. It must be done because we are committed to our children and our responsibility. The following may be a crude example but one that makes a point. If you go to a pet shop and buy a puppy and bring it home with all the little things you need to take care of the puppy, you do not just throw the puppy into a room and say, “Okay now, grow up and potty train yourself. When you get older, fetch me the paper and bark when an intruder comes to the backdoor.”
It sounds silly, but think about it. If a dog that will develop very little in comparison to a human needs love, caring, training and discipline – how much more does a baby or a child need for them to develop into a mature human being. You would not leave a dog alone to mature and develop – what about your children? With all the confusion, decadence and distraction in the world today – what can happen to your children if you do not take care of them.
For their sake, you must be committed.
- Closeness
Closeness is the sixth principle of Good FatherHood. There are few things better in life than being close to your father.
Closeness does not mean that your children should be rubbing up against you all the time – but you do need to show them affection and love. Hug them – even your sons.
There has to be bonding of a non-physical nature as well. Let us discuss some aspects of this.
After my sons? mother and I separated, I had an opportunity to move from New York City to Jamaica, West Indies. I really liked a place that I could have built a little house in the mountains and communed off nature. At the time I thought it was a great opportunity. At another point I wanted to move back to California where I was from. In both instances, I was enthusiastic about the possibilities.
However, in both cases I decided not to move because it was doubtful that I would have been able to take my children with me. An even if I could have taken them with me, it would have been unfair to them to separate them by thousands of miles from their mother. Therefore, moving from New York City was not an option and if their mother had chosen to move where my sons would have been out of my reach then I would have fought it with every means possible. It is not good for parents to be separated from their children.
By not moving I helped to keep myself close to my sons, at least geographically. This helped me to create other aspects of closeness.
A father needs to be with his children. How could I sow into their lives effectively if I was thousands of miles away? Since it was not necessary for me to move, it did not happen.
In my opinion, a father should not leave the city where his children are. His ability to be effective in their lives is impaired enough by not living in the same house with them every day. Adding the obstacle of long distance only makes it more challenging.
When I was about nine years old my mother, sister and I lived in Oakland, California. I remember the day my mother told me that my father was moving from a few blocks away in Berkeley to Los Angeles which was four-hundred miles away. For me, that day was more painful that the day we were told that my parents were separating. I missed my father. I used to look for him in the mailbox because all the communication I had with him was through the mail and an extremely rare telephone call. When he moved back to Berkeley a few years later I experienced a great sense of relief. He was there, where I could find him, see him and talk to him.
I thank God that my father kept up communication through the mail while he was away, but that was no substitute for him being there.
On the other hand, there are some separated fathers that live a long distance from their children and still have a positive relationship with them. But, there are some fathers who live in the same city or even the same house with their children and have no relationship with them.
Good FatherHood is not an accident. It is a clear commitment of purpose and of love, responsibility and leadership.
- Consistency
Consistency is the seventh principle of Good FatherHood. Be consistent. Never leave your children hanging. Trust me, it is no fun to be sitting by the window or the telephone waiting for daddy.
Consistency requires that we establish a routine with our children. The times and dates that you see your children should be regular. They should not be haphazard. Children function well with order and predictability. Your children should know when they are going to see you. This should not be guesswork.
Establishing a firm time and date for seeing your children allows them to relax about their relationship with you because they are certain where it stands and where you will be. See them at the same time each week on the same day. If that is every other weekend then make the time you pick them up on Friday night, the same time. Keep it on Friday night or Saturday morning – which ever it is – keep it the same. This helps everybody to plan their lives including you, their mother and the children. It gives consistency and helps to insure that you will have your time with your children.
If your visitation arrangement to see your children is not at a regular time and you are not consistent then it is always easier for you to decide to skip a visitation. This can lead to a complete slacking off if you are not committed.
Be consistent!
Now that we finished the seventh principle of Good FatherHood, I feel like the man who was given three wishes by the Genie in the lamp. If he was smart, after the first two he would have asked for three more wishes. There are so many possible principles for Good FatherHood that I could never hope to capture all of them in just seven. However, these seven principles are the ones that have been on my heart for many years. I believe these are the primary principles and from them the rest will spring.
Reconciled Fathers Network
Akili Kumasi, Founder
Too many children grow up in father-absent families because of divorces, separations, and births to un-wed parents. Many have higher risks for academic, social and psychological problems. Pro-active fathers make a positive difference.
