A Father Struggles With a Custody Issue for His Daughter

Posted by rfathers on January 16, 2010

Yesterday a father posted a message on-line SPARC, the Separated Parenting Access & Resource Center, asking for advice on how to handle a custody/visitation issue for his preschool-aged daughter.

Apparently, both he and the child’s mother are remarried and have other children. He has custody and the mother just moved eight hours away from their current location and wants the daughter to move with her. You can see more of the details here on the SPARC website: Fathers Seeks Advice

Here is what I wrote to try to help him handle the situation.

After you read the posts, tell us if you agree or disagree below.

Hi Mikey533:

Seems like you are getting good advice above. However, I would not put too much emphasis on the child’s mother not being able to handle her daughter because of other siblings. You said she is a good mother. (In other words – don’t try to make yourself look good by making the mother look bad).

First, the courts might want to know why and how your daughter will be best kept at either home. You will have to establish that your daughter is better off with you. Therefore, you will want to focus on where she is – the stability issues, the opportunities etc. as you have expressed. AND, be willing to work out an agreement that ensures that your daughter will have quality time with both of her parents. A little girl should be close with her own mother – as well as her father!

Second, since the primary issue is the welfare of the child then one of the first issues the court might want to look at is why was custody given to you in the first place and have you fulfilled that mandate successfully.

Third, Why did the mother leave her daughter with you, then move away and now she wants her? What changed?

Fourth, please do not ignore the suggestion to get all of this in writing through the court, as ugly as it might be, the courts serve a purpose and right now you need to use them for the benefit of your daughter. It can be done peacefully and without the child’s direct involvement if wisdom prevails.

Fifth, that said, a little self-examination is always helpful and beneficial. Make sure your motives are for the benefit of your daughter first. It sounds like you are doing that already, but it never hurts to be sure.

Sixth, if you do let her go for a year, don’t expect to get her back. Her mother might be just as relcutant as you are to let her go!

Seventh, and this one should be first, pray and ask God what is best for everyone in this situation.

I certainly hope this will all work out for the best. As long as you and your daughter’s mother want what is best for your daughter and you are willing to communicate for her benefit then you have a good opportunity to work things out.

Akili Kumasi
Reconciled Fathers’ Network

Well, what do you think? Should the father try to keep his daughter or let her go? Should he try to work something out? Should he use the court system? Give us your opinion.

Picture of On the Outside Looking In Cover I also recommend for those men that want to help themselves address a number of these issues, please see my book, On the Outside Looking In: Hope for Separated Fathers Who Want To Be good Fathers: On the Outside Looking In.