Fatherhood Principles of Joseph the Carpenter

Posted by rfathers on December 22, 2008

Fatherhood Principles of Joseph the Carpenter:
An Example of Godly Fatherhood

by Akili Kumasi
ISBN #: 0-9802185-1-9 – ISBN-13: 978-0-9802185-1-0

• Read the story of Joseph the Carpenter
• Use 7 Principles of Godly FatherHood to raise your children
• See Joseph, the humble servant & courageous leader
• Look behind the scenes of the Holy Family
• learn about the Jewish education tradition that Jesus came from
• See Table of Contents Below

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On the Outside Looking In

Posted by rfathers on

On the Outside Looking In:
Hope for Separated Fathers Who Want To Be Good Fathers

by Akili Kumasi
ISBN #: 0-9626035-5-4 – ISBN-13: 978-0-9626035-5-6

Too many children grow up in father-absent families because of divorces, separations, and births to un-wed parents. Many have higher risks for academic, social and psychological problems. Pro-active fathers make a positive difference.

On the Outside Looking In encourages separated-fathers to step-to-the-plate with their children while:

• challenging them to be good fathers in spite of being separated from their children
• helping men become better parents

On the Outside Looking In will help separated-fathers:

• make relationships with their children work
• gain cooperation from their children?s mother
• obtain resources for help with starting over
• break the cycles of hopelessness
• See Table of Contents Below

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Table of Contents – On The Outside Looking In

Introduction

Chapter One:

Breaking-Up Is Hard To Do

(The Social Phenomenon of the Separated Father)

Chapter Two:

Like Father ? Like Son

(The Impact of Father-Absent Families on Children)

Chapter Three:

Starting All Over Again

(Reconciling With Your Children)

Chapter Four:

Do The Right Thing

(Seven Principles of Good FatherHood)

Chapter Five:

Some Do’s and Don?ts for

(Creating The Right Relationship With Your Children)

Chapter Six:

Co-Parenting With Your Children’s Mother

(Winning Isn’t Everything)

Chapter Seven:

New Beginnings

(Dating, Marriage and Step-Parenting)

Epilogue: The Reconciled-Father

Appendix: Resources for the Reconciled-Father

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Bible Word Search, Vol. III: Fathers in the Bible

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Bible Word Search, Volume III:
Fathers In The Bible

by Akili & Daisy Kumasi
ISBN #: 0-9626035-4-6 – ISBN-13: 978-0-9626035-4-9

• Learn about Fathers in the Bible
• 80 Biblical presentations on Fathers
• Scriptures and Puzzles
• Puzzles made from key words in the Bible Verses
• Excellent gift for puzzle enthusiasts
• Great witnessing tool
• Effective lessons for Sunday School youth classes
• Reference tool for finding scriptures on Fathers
• See Table of Contents Below

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Table of Contents –
Bible Word Search, Vol. III: Fathers in the Bible

New Testament

1. God, The Father
2. Adam, The First Man
3. A Father?s Discipline ? Proverbs
4. Aaron, the Levite
5. Abraham, Father on Many Nations
6. Ahab
7. Cain, the First Murderer
8. Caleb, Son of Nun
9. Cleanse the Land
10. David
11. Eli
12. Elkanah
13. Father?s Responsibility – Deuteronomy
14. Fathers – Proverbs
15. Fathers-In-Law
16. Hamor
17. Hezekiah, The Godly King
18. Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother
19. In My Fathers House ? Psalms
20. Isaac
21. Ishmael, a Wild Man
22. Jacob Blesses His Twelve Sons
23. Jacob?s Children
24. Jehoshaphat
25. Jesse
26. Jethro, Priest of Median
27. Job
28. Joseph
29. Judah, Tamar?s Father-In-Law
30. Laban
31. Leave an Inheritance
32. Levi & The Tribe of Levi
33. Lot, Abraham?s Nephew
34. Mordecai, The Jew
35. Nebuchadnezzar and Belshazzar
36. Noah ? A Righteous Man
37. Noted Fathers ? Old Testament
38. Protect the Fatherless
39. Psalms ? Helper of the Fatherless
40. Saul, The First King
41. Sins of the Father
42. Solomon – The Wise King
43. The Levite?s Father-In-Law
44. Terah, Abram and Nahor
45. Train a Child
46. Turn the Hearts of Fathers to Their Children

New Testament

47. A Father Gives
48. A Father?s Discipline ? Hebrews
49. Abba, Father
50. Abraham ? Romans
51. Everything I Do Comes from the Father
52. Fathers Choose Sides
53. Father of Lies
54. Father of Light
55. Father of Possessed Boy
56. Father of the Prodigal Son
57. Fathers ? Ephesians
58. Forefathers
59. Genealogy of Jesus ? Part 1
60. Genealogy of Jesus ? Part 2
61. Heavenly Father
62. Herod the Great and Sons
63. Husbands, Children and Fathers
64. In My Fathers House ? Are Many Mansions
65. My Father?s House of Prayer
66. Jairus, The Synagogue Ruler
67. Joseph, the Carpenter
68. Like Father – Like Son
69. Parable of the Two Sons
70. Paul, Spiritual Father to Timothy
71. Philip, One of the Seven
72. Seven Sons of Sceva
73. Simon of Cyrene
74. Sons of Zebedee
75. The Father and I Are One
76. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost
77. The Love of God the Father
78. The Right Hand of the Father
79. With the Father from the Beginning
80. Zechariah

[The Puzzle Solutions are in the back of the book.]

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For other Bible Word Search Books:

Volume I Bible Extracts	Volume II Women	Volume III Fathers	Volume IV Prayers	Volume V Victories	Volume VI Parables

Fun Meals for Fathers and Sons

Posted by rfathers on

Fun Meals for Fathers and Sons:
Recipes and Activities for Bonding & Mentoring

by Akili Kumasi (with Asiedu & Netfa Heywot-Kumasi)
ISBN #: 0-9626035-0-3 – ISBN-13: 978-0-9626035-1-8

• Fun Meals for Fathers and Sons has two sections: Recipes and Activities.
• Both sections provide recipes for fun, adventure and excitement that helps in the bonding process for boys and their fathers.
• All the recipes are very simple and easy to make.
• All of the activities are centered around a meal but can be done with your own creativity.
• Your children will look forward to them.
• See Table of Contents below.

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Table of Contents – Fun Meals for Fathers and Sons

Introduction

The Importance of Bonding and Mentoring

Cooking and Eating Utensils

Fun Meals Recipes

Breakfast Recipes

RailRoad Eggs
Eggs and Cheese on Toast
Grilled Cornbread Muffins and Syrup
Waffles and Bacon Sandwich
Chicken and Waffles
Bacon, Tator Tots and Ketchup
French Toast

Lunch Recipes
Daddy Dogs
Chili Cheese Dogs
Egg Salad and Cheez-Its
Tuna and Crackers
Hot Dogs, Crackers and Cheese
Leftover Turkey and Crackers
Netfa?s Platter
Pretzels and Soup
The Hero
Turkey, Lettuce, Cheese and Potato Chip Sandwich
The Twists

Dinner Recipes
Mess ?em Up Jax
Fried Chicken Sandwich
Asiedu?s Finger Foods
Buffalo Wings
Lumpy Burgers
Chicken Wings
Uncle Siasa?s Grilled Chicken Sandwich – with Pickles
Mexican Tacos
HomeMake Pizza
Pizza Dogs

Outdoor Dishes
Grilled Hamburgers
Yellow Chicken
Roasted Marshmallows
Hanger HotDogs

Drinks
AGC Fizz
OJ and 7-Up
HomeMade Lemonade
Fruit Punch and Lemonade
Grape Juice and Orange Juice
Chocolate Explosion

Bread and Potatoes
Garlic and Cheese Bread
Cheese Toast
Bacon and Cheese Bread
Tator Tots
Silver Dollar French Fries
Boiled Potatoes Creations

Salads
Fruit Salad
Busy Salad

Desserts and Snacks
Kid Pops
Popcorn and Orange Juice
Cookies and Ice Cream
RootBeer Float
Strawberry ShortCake
Brownies and Whipped Cream

Fun Meals Activities

Row, Row, Row Your Boat
Picnic at Work
Deck Sandwich
Back Yard Dinner
Midnight Snack
Rubber Target
Fast Food
Slow Food
PanCakes
I Scream, You Scream
Pizza, Pizza
Bike Ride
Tour Boat Lunch
Have Lunch, Will Travel
Park It Here
Mountain High
Take a Hike
Tent City
Fish Sandwich
At the Mall
No Talking in the Library
Sky King
Live Chicken Dinner
Breakfast at the Beach
Let?s Go to the Movie

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What is “Fun Meals for Fathers and Sons?”

Posted by rfathers on December 17, 2008

Fun Meals for Fathers and Sons evolved from a very special moment in our kitchen into a full blown recipe for male bonding and mentoring. One day my sons and I were in the kitchen talking. I was cooking and they were drawing and enjoying our time together. We were talking about all the special meals that I make for them. Next we started making a list and the book idea naturally flowed from there. I dictated the recipes to Asiedu and Netfa started typing them on the computer.

As we wrote down the recipes we realized that our meals are not just ?things? to eat. They are ?experiences? to have. We designed the recipes and activities with both fathers and sons in mind. The idea is to get everyone involved as much as possible in all aspects of the meals thus creating an atmosphere for sharing and learning. There?s another point here as well – and that is to just have fun – enjoying each other.

This book is intended to help the bonding process between boys and their fathers which is so important in this day and age. Helping men to be involved in their sons? lives, providing direction, being a role model, and just sharing positive male energy is our goal. There is no slight intended to daughters and mothers as all of the meals and activities can be done by – and with – mothers and daughters. But, I do have a particular interest in help fathers help their sons to also become good men. The recipes and activities in this book are also good for grandfathers, uncles, step-fathers and older brothers to bond with younger males.

All the recipes are very simple and easy to make. You don?t have to be a gourmet chef to prepare these meals. In fact, you might already know how to make some of these meals, but the point here is not always to give you something that you do not already know. We want to – in a time of need – give you some food for thought ? (sorry about the pun) – that could help you create a special activity.

Fun Meals for Fathers and Sons has two sections: the first section is a series of recipes for meals and the second is a series of activities that are centered around meals. Both sections provide recipes for fun, adventure and excitement that helps in the bonding process for boys and their fathers.

Recipes for Fathers and Sons

We suggest that the children be as involved as possible in all stages of the meal. Many recipes provide suggestions for how to get the children involved in different aspects:

1. Plan the meal together (when possible). Sometimes making it a surprise is also a winner. Use the following questions as guides for planning a meal. What are you going to have? How is it going to be prepared or cooked? Who is going to do what?
2. Shopping. What items are you going to need from the store? Make a list together. Go together to get the items on the list. This is a great opportunity for lessons in economics.
3. Preparation and Cooking. You can get the children involved in ways that are not dangerous – especially for young children. Doing it together can bring a special level of satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment.
4. Eat the meals together. With some meals we have a special way of eating or serving the meal. Create your own fun ? and traditions.
5. Clean-Up. This is always a joint effort!

Activities for Fathers and Sons

The activities section of the book is also very exciting. There are suggestions for numerous activities. Most of the meals are for away from home. Some are for at the home. All of them are centered around a meal but can be done with your own creativity. We do a lot of these activities as we are always making something special out of something ordinary. These activities can become your special activities and your children will look forward to them.

My sons and I worked on this book off-and-on for almost five years. We continued to add artwork, recipes and activities to our collection. We find that as we do things over and over – we change them. This is the best way to benefit from this book. Use your own ideas and creativity when trying our recipes and activities.

Your children can also learn a lot about cooking through this experience. When they get out on their own they can actually cook for themselves instead of relying on nonnutritional fast foods.

We know that many of you have your own ideas about fun meals that you already do and many of you will create new ideas as you try our recipes and activities. Send us your recipes and activities. We will publish the most unique ones in the second volume of Fun Meals. See the back section of this book for details.

Creating Fun Meals for Fathers and Sons has been quite an experience. We certainly hope you enjoy it!

Akili Kumasi, 2004

Fun Meals – The Importance of Bonding and Mentoring

Posted by rfathers on

?For years we have known that youth learn to have good interpersonal relationships from their encounters at the dinner table in their homes. The dinner hour is one of the most important hours in a child?s life. It?s the hour that is made for listening, as well as sharing the hurts, pains, victories, and blessings of the day. It is a time for learning to communicate.?

These words of wisdom from Dr. Ed Cole?s Maximized Manhood⁽¹⁾ embody the spirit of this book. Fun Meals for Fathers and Sons expands on this concept and takes meals to another level.

With the meals and activities in Fun Meals for Fathers and Sons dining becomes an adventure. In the process, relationships can be built and maintained.

The primary objective of being a father is the raising of your children and helping them to secure a promising future free from the entrapments that plague our society today. Your role as the male parent in their life is crucial.

The higher the level of Manhood we demand from ourselves means the higher the level of standards we impress on our sons.

The Bible says in Proverb 22:6 (NIV), ?Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.? Most parents know this principle without having to quote it. However, some of us have difficulty reaching our children. Others, who may not be having difficulty, don?t want to get to the point where they do have difficulties reaching their children.

This is why bonding and mentoring is so important. In today?s society we need to be close to our sons in a positive way so we don?t lose them to all the non-sense that?s pulling at their attention.

The activities and meals in Fun Meals for Fathers and Sons can help to create the atmosphere for continuous bonding that helps insure that we will always be close to our children. With these meals and activities my sons and I have already created ?traditions? we each look forward to. We have etched good memories that can never be replaced. We?ve shared ourselves with each other in a way that lends itself to open communication.

Bonding is ever so important to the communication process. And communication is one of the most important elements in any relationship. By bonding with my sons over some silly meals I am able to tell them stories and get them in a mood where they hear me completely – and they respond with their own thoughts, feelings, insights and questions. They?ve even told me – more than once – that I should write a book about some of the things I have taught them about life.

It?s important to hug your children and laugh with them – and it?s a lot easier to do with a mouth full of roasted marshmallows or while your child is intently working at the stove over a pot of ground meat and taco mix.

There is great satisfaction when one of my sons creates a meal he wants; we design it; we shop together for the ingredients and then we fix it. The result: I?ve got a satisfied young man on my hands. He feels heard, loved and fulfilled. He has a sense of accomplishment – and so do I. Now he?s open to talk with me and listen to me because I?ve shown trust in him. Now he can trust me. I can begin mentoring on a serious level – expounding principles and ideas to his young mind. I can talk about the rigors, responsibilities and rewards of being a man. This type of Manhood Training is most effective on an informal basis – when it?s heartfelt and spontaneous.

Let?s face it – we have fathers out there that don?t have a clue and need help. We also have fathers who are doing a good job and have something they can share with others. We also have fathers who are trying their hardest and are having a very rough time. We come in all spectrums, sizes, shapes and colors. But we are all in this together because it is our sons who will be running this country in just a few short decades. What we do for them now will help determine whether they are making a positive contribution to society, living a happy life or struggling to make ends meet or stay out of jail.

Whatever your situation, most of us want our children to have better than what we had. We want to give them the benefit of our knowledge and experience. It is our job to make sure we have the type of relationship with our sons (and daughters) that affords us the opportunity to hear from them what is going on in their young lives, to know their feelings, trials, tribulations and successes – and to impart our experiential knowledge and wisdom. Having fun and food together helps in building these kinds of relationship.

This book is also a great tool for the divorced or separated father who does not live with his children. Do you know how important it is to your child that you come to pick them up, spend time with them, tell them and show them that they are special to you. Your children may not show you, or tell you, but believe me it matters a great deal. You must be consistent – and on time. How you treat your children who are separated from you is critical to the development of their self-esteem – which in turn has great impact on their lives and the decisions they make throughout their lives. Having special meals that you and your children can create together at your house is a winner for your children. It gives them something to look forward to. It can also get you off the hook if you aren?t sure what to do with them. It?s cheaper than amusement parks and means a whole lot more in the long run and the short-term.

Fun Meals for Fathers and Sons lends itself to your own creativity as well. It?s a starting point if you are not sure what to do. Get them involved. This books provides a lot of ?food for thought? (there?s that pun again) about how to get something going with them on a Saturday when you know you should be spending time with them but you don?t know what to do. Get busy. Create your own meals and your own traditions.

And fathers, after you?ve created some new memories, send us a note telling us about your successes with the meals and the moments. My sons and I will test your recipes and publish them in a new book – Volume Two of Fun Meals. Please see the announcement at the back of this book.

Show your sons (and daughters) some love openly. Give them a hug. Kiss them on the top of their head – whatever works. It?s probably no problem for you to scold them or correct them in public. Try public praise and private discipline. The more you show them love the more they will show you love. Break down that facade of machoism. Have a Fun Meal and get the ball rolling!

Akili Kumasi, 2004
_____________________________
¹ Edwin Louis Cole, Maximized Manhood: A Guide to Family Survival, (Springdale, PA: Whitaker House, 1982) p. 140-41.

Learning the Meaning of “No”

Posted by rfathers on December 16, 2008

Have you ever been in a grocery or discount store shopping and seen some parent struggling with their young child who might be throwing a temper tantrum? You know the scene. The child asks for something. The parent says no and the child erupts, either telling his parents no or hitting them or throws him or herself on the floor.

The parents get so embarrassed they do not know what to do. They might try bribing the child with a trip to MacDonald?s (if you obey we can go to MacD’s) or offer them some candy, or make some unreasonable promise or even threaten them with something unrealistic – all in an effort to get the child to obey. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

All of that is generally a result of a lack of discipline.

The word discipline has at least two meanings. It can mean to punish or it can mean to instruct. I believe this is why God put the concepts of training and discipline together (see below), because He wants to make it clear that He is primarily concerned with teaching and preparing.

Fathers, do not irritate and provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to resentment], but rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4 AMP)

The broader and more important aspect of discipline (teaching or preparing) should come first ? long before punishment is necessary. The more teaching and preparing we do the less punishment we have to do.

At Dictionary.com the first definition of discipline reads as follows:

Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement.

Again, training is the key. Children are not going to obey unless their parents teach them to obey. In the situation with the child in the story who throws a temper tantrum – the way to handle that is first through training. Before going to the store (or anywhere in public) the child has to be given proper guidelines about what is appropriate behavior and what is not. It takes time to teach to your children and requires constant repetition.

This is one of the places where parents fall short. Some parents are not inclined to work on this over the long haul. They think that if it does not work the first time or the second time then the idea is not valid. However, it takes time to teach to your children and requires constant repetition.

Also, the child has to understand that there is a consequence for inappropriate behavior. When or if inappropriate behavior comes, get down on the child?s level – on one knee (eyeball to eyeball) and remind your child through a clearly stated and unemotional warning – of what is appropriate and what is not.

The child must know that if the inappropriate behavior continues, then a consequence will follow. Give the child a firm reminder with the second warning. If the inappropriate behavior still continues, then the consequence must be given without hesitation and without emotion or anger.

This is where many parents are shy about discipline. They do not want to hurt little Johnny. Or, they do not want to deal with Johnny?s resistance or reaction. Afterall, who wants to have a crying child in the store. So this must begin at home. if done properly at home, when the parent speaks (in the store or at home) the child will obey – most of the time, or at least some of the time. Which is an improvement, so consistency will bring greater results. But, inconsistency, on the parents’ part will not bring the desired improvement.

Some parents need to realize that Johnny is engaging them in a test of wills. By you being consistent, preparing the child ahead of time and following through when necessary ? you will prevail. Your child will be trained.

Fathers, are you ready for that kind of responsibility?

This article is adapted from Fatherhood Principle #3 from the book On the Outside Looking In: Hope for Separated Fathers Who Want to Be Good Fathers

Read the article: 7 Principles of Good Fatherhood.

Fun Meals – Breakfast

Posted by rfathers on December 14, 2008

• Rail Road Eggs
• Egg and Cheese on Toast
• Grilled Cornbread Muffins and Syrup
• Waffles and Bacon Sandwich
• Chicken and Waffles
• Bacon, Tator Tots and Ketchup
• French Toast

Return to Breakfast Recipes List

Return to Breakfast Recipes List

Return to Breakfast Recipes List

Return to Breakfast Recipes List

Return to Breakfast Recipes List

Return to Breakfast Recipes List

Return to Breakfast Recipes List

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Who Is a Reconciled Father?

Posted by rfathers on

What is a Separated-Father?

A separated-father is a father who does not live with his children because of divorce, parental separation or births to un-married parents.

Separated-fathers should not confuse being separated from their children?s mother as an excuse for not being a good father. Your separation from their mother should not stop you from your FatherHood role and responsibility. Let me also tell you quite frankly that whatever you are experiencing in your attempt or desire to be a good father, you are not alone.

What is a Reconciled-Father?

We defined a separated-father as a father who is not living with his children. But many separated-fathers are also reconciled-fathers, that is, they are taking responsibility for their children and they have an on-going relationship with them.

A reconciled father is a father who does not live with his children, but is nonetheless a good father. This father finds a way to bridge the gap of distance whether it is a few blocks, a few miles, or a few thousand miles.

A reconciled father is an important part of his children?s lives. He loves his children – and shows it. Love is an action word. Too many people confuse love with feelings. Love is a decision that brings commitment. Commitment in fatherhood means involvement.

A reconciled-father has an on-going nurturing relationship with his children.

A reconciled father is a father who is responsible for his children. He supports his children.

A reconciled father leads his children. He teaches them. He disciplines them. He plays with them.

In short, a reconciled father loves his children and takes responsibility for them while he helps prepare them for adulthood…

(Taken from the book by Akili Kumasi, On the Outside Looking In: Hope for Separated Fathers Who Want To Be Good Fathers)

7 Principles of Good Fatherhood

Posted by rfathers on December 12, 2008

?Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!? Luke 11:11-13 NIV

When Jesus was giving an illustration to His followers of how much God the Father has given us through His Holy Spirit, He used the example of evil fathers on earth. He said that though they are evil, they know how to give good gifts to their children. God clearly expects that even evil fathers will give to their children.

From this illustration, we can assume that a definition of a father (good or evil) is one who gives to his children. What does he give? In the scripture above, the father is giving what the son asked for. By the mere fact that our children exist, they are asking us to be good fathers.

Our children are totally dependent on us, their parents. They must be taught, trained, developed, supported, and given time to grow. They come into the world na?ve and inexperienced. Without adults to raise them – they do not survive.

Our children are asking us to take them to the park, help them with their homework, smile at them, be around when they need us, teach them how to play checkers, buy them a new doll, take them to church, show them how to ride a bicycle and basically just to care about them.

Are you that type of father?

Seven Principles of Good FatherHood

1. Love

   The right relationship with your children starts with loving them. The issue is not how you feel about your children because love is not an emotion or a feeling. It is a decision. To love means to give ? to give of yourself.

   Jesus taught us that Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends (John 15:13 NIV). Love takes commitment because we do not always want to give. We do not always want to spend that money on them or play that game or change that diaper or go talk to their teachers.

   If you want to be a good father you have to decide to give of yourself to your children. That is the first principle of Good FatherHood, love. Start out right by deciding to love.

2. Nurture

   The second principle of Good FatherHood is nurture. God tells us in Ephesians 6:4 KJV to bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. The key is to bring them up ? to nurture them. You cannot bring your children up by pointing them at the television and then let them go. They must learn from us. We must oversee them by raising them. This is a pro-active process not a passive process. As fathers, we are directors, facilitators and participants – not observers or absentee landlords.

   In the Amplified Bible the same scripture says, rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord. The key words are rear, counsel and tenderly.

   Rear and counsel tells us what to do. To rear means to take care of, nurture, watch over, and look after. Counsel means to provide guidance, direction, warning, and advice. This is underscored by another term in this verse, admonition which means cautionary advise, warning or reprimand. This is all part of a parent’s responsibility to their children.

   Tenderly tell us how to do it. I know some of you might not want to hear this tenderly business, but this is what the Bible says. Tenderly does not mean womanly.
   It means lovingly, caringly, compassionately and kindheartedly. It should come from your heart.
   You do not have to be sweet – but you do need to care. If you care then you will raise your children for their benefit – that is, you will prepare them for their future, their future of tomorrow, their future of five minutes from now and their future of twenty years from now.

   Rear your children by raising them.

3. Discipline

   The third principle of Good FatherHood is discipline. We often get confused when the word discipline is mentioned.
   Yes discipline includes handing out punishment – if it is appropriate.
   Repeating Ephesians 6:4 from the Amplified Bible, rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord.

   The word discipline has at least two meanings.
   It can mean to punish or it can mean to instruct. I believe this is why God put the concepts of training and discipline together, because He wants to make it clear that He is primarily concerned with teaching and preparing.

   This is what Jesus did. He taught. Even the Jewish scribes and Pharisees called him teacher (Matthew 12:38 AMP).

   The broader and more important aspect of discipline (teaching or preparing) should come first ? long before punishment is necessary. The more teaching and preparing we do the less punishment we have to do.

   At Dictionary.com the first definition of discipline reads as follows:

   Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement.

   The Strong’s Concordance which provides definitions of words used in the Bible was found on the bible.crosswalk.com website.
   It tells us that the word discipline (paideia in Greek, #3811) in Ephesians 6:4 as used in the New American Standard Bible (NASB), in part, means the following:

   the whole training and education of children (which relates to the cultivation of mind and morals ?

   Here is an example of the need for discipline in action. Have you ever been in a grocery or discount store shopping and seen some parent struggling with their young child who might be throwing a temper tantrum? You know the scene. The child asks for something. The parent says no and the child erupts, either telling his parents no or hitting them or rolling on the floor. The poor parents are so embarrassed they do not know what to do. They might try bribing the child with a trip to MacDonald?s or offer them some candy or make some unreasonable promise in an effort to get the child to obey. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

   All of that is generally a result of a lack of discipline. The child has to realize who is in charge, and if the child has not been taught, then we could assume that the parent does not know him or herself.

   I believe the way to handle this is first through training. Before going to the store (or anywhere in public) the child has to be given proper guidelines about what is appropriate behavior and what is not. This takes time to teach to your children and requires constant repetition.

   Also, the child has to understand that there is a consequence for inappropriate behavior. When or if inappropriate behavior comes, get down on the child?s level – on one knee (eyeball to eyeball) and remind your child through a clearly stated and unemotional warning – of what is appropriate and what is not. If the inappropriate behavior continues, then a firm reminder of the consequence should accompany the second warning. If the inappropriate behavior still continues, then the consequence must be given without hesitation and without emotion or anger.

   This is where many parents are shy about discipline. They do not want to hurt little Johnny. Or, they do not want to deal with Johnny?s resistance or reaction.

   Some parents need to realize that Johnny is just engaging you in a test of wills. By you being consistent, preparing the child ahead of time and following through when necessary ? you will prevail. Your child will be trained.

   We must prepare our children by training them for their future or they will not learn to discipline themselves. What kind of adulthood will they have to look forward to ? one with no constraints?

4. Responsibility

   Fathers, are you ready for that kind of responsibility? We certainly hope so because that is the fourth principle of Good FatherHood, responsibility.

   Your children are your responsibility not the state’s, not their school teachers’, not the mother?s alone, not the grandparent?s, not the street’s, and not some gang?s. They are your responsibility. Everything we talk about in this book has to do with your responsibility as a man, as a parent, and as a father, to bring your children up.

   The chief responsibility we discuss under this principle is financial responsibility.

   You are responsible to provide for them. “I remember one time when I was in family court for child support issues. I was severely behind – more than you could imagine. The judge asked me, “What are they supposed to eat, air?” The judge did not really understand that I was having a tough time financially, neither did my children’s stomachs. My responsibility was still to provide for them. This is an area that I, like many other separated-fathers, have had difficulty with. But nonetheless, we are still responsible for the financial wellbeing of our children.

   Let us be frank, and not make excuses. Few of us like the idea of putting money into the hands of our children’s mother. But how many of us like the idea of our children not eating or not having a warm winter coat? Like it or not, if our children live with their mother and not with us, then we have to give her child support – just the same as if the children lived with their father then the mother would have to give child support to the father. Many of us would say, “No, I do not want her money. I will support my children.” Well good, fine, no problem. But, if you were in the position of having to make ends meet for everyone, including yourself and the children then you just might see the financial light and want – or more correctly – need – that child support to supplement your own income and to insure your family’s financial wellbeing. Well, that is how it is for your children?s mother; pay the support!

   Some mothers are better than others at managing the financial resources that are available to them. Some never have enough, some are just able to make ends meet and others are even able to get ahead. Well, God bless them all. My children need to have all the essentials. Just as I have been behind on my support payments – more than once and in significant numbers, if my sons? mother is able to get ahead with what she gets from child support – I am for it – because as the custodial mother she carries the weight that many separated-fathers just do not have a clue about.

   If the child?s mother is taking care of business then you have no reason to complain – so do not. Get off her back. Let here handle things the way she sees fit.

   However, if there are problems in any areas then you have the responsibility to address them in a proper fashion.

   If you are behind in your payments then you may have to get a second job, a part-time job to catch up.

   If you pay your child support then you have handled your main financial responsibility. But, you also have a financial responsibility to make sure your children have money in their pocket ? when needed. Pay them an allowance. Do not think that because you have paid your child support payments that that?s all of your financial responsibility ? or that it handles all of their needs. Be prepared to also buy them some clothes and pay for their school trips etc.

   More on relations with your children?s mother in Chapter Six.

5. Commitment

   The fifth principle of Good FatherHood is commitment. As I write this, I am reminded of my youngest son’s last high school football awards dinner. His mother and I sat at the same table across from each other with other parents as we basked in the glow of our son’s achievements. Not only had he completed four years of football but he also had a 90 average at one of the top schools in the city. What I noticed was that of the dozen or so football stars who received special awards for achievement on the field, when they received their trophies many thanked God, some thanked their mother, some thanked their parents. None of them singled out their fathers for thanks. Is that because fathers were less involved?

   Good parenting should never be done to get a thanks. It must be done because we are committed to our children and our responsibility. The following may be a crude example but one that makes a point. If you go to a pet shop and buy a puppy and bring it home with all the little things you need to take care of the puppy, you do not just throw the puppy into a room and say, “Okay now, grow up and potty train yourself. When you get older, fetch me the paper and bark when an intruder comes to the backdoor.”

   It sounds silly, but think about it. If a dog that will develop very little in comparison to a human needs love, caring, training and discipline – how much more does a baby or a child need for them to develop into a mature human being. You would not leave a dog alone to mature and develop – what about your children? With all the confusion, decadence and distraction in the world today – what can happen to your children if you do not take care of them.

   For their sake, you must be committed.

6. Closeness

   Closeness is the sixth principle of Good FatherHood. There are few things better in life than being close to your father.

   Closeness does not mean that your children should be rubbing up against you all the time – but you do need to show them affection and love. Hug them – even your sons.

   There has to be bonding of a non-physical nature as well. Let us discuss some aspects of this.

   After my sons? mother and I separated, I had an opportunity to move from New York City to Jamaica, West Indies. I really liked a place that I could have built a little house in the mountains and communed off nature. At the time I thought it was a great opportunity. At another point I wanted to move back to California where I was from. In both instances, I was enthusiastic about the possibilities.

   However, in both cases I decided not to move because it was doubtful that I would have been able to take my children with me. An even if I could have taken them with me, it would have been unfair to them to separate them by thousands of miles from their mother. Therefore, moving from New York City was not an option and if their mother had chosen to move where my sons would have been out of my reach then I would have fought it with every means possible. It is not good for parents to be separated from their children.

   By not moving I helped to keep myself close to my sons, at least geographically. This helped me to create other aspects of closeness.

   A father needs to be with his children. How could I sow into their lives effectively if I was thousands of miles away? Since it was not necessary for me to move, it did not happen.

   In my opinion, a father should not leave the city where his children are. His ability to be effective in their lives is impaired enough by not living in the same house with them every day. Adding the obstacle of long distance only makes it more challenging.

   When I was about nine years old my mother, sister and I lived in Oakland, California. I remember the day my mother told me that my father was moving from a few blocks away in Berkeley to Los Angeles which was four-hundred miles away. For me, that day was more painful that the day we were told that my parents were separating. I missed my father. I used to look for him in the mailbox because all the communication I had with him was through the mail and an extremely rare telephone call. When he moved back to Berkeley a few years later I experienced a great sense of relief. He was there, where I could find him, see him and talk to him.

   I thank God that my father kept up communication through the mail while he was away, but that was no substitute for him being there.

   On the other hand, there are some separated fathers that live a long distance from their children and still have a positive relationship with them. But, there are some fathers who live in the same city or even the same house with their children and have no relationship with them.

   Good FatherHood is not an accident. It is a clear commitment of purpose and of love, responsibility and leadership.

7. Consistency

   Consistency is the seventh principle of Good FatherHood. Be consistent. Never leave your children hanging. Trust me, it is no fun to be sitting by the window or the telephone waiting for daddy.

   Consistency requires that we establish a routine with our children. The times and dates that you see your children should be regular. They should not be haphazard. Children function well with order and predictability. Your children should know when they are going to see you. This should not be guesswork.

   Establishing a firm time and date for seeing your children allows them to relax about their relationship with you because they are certain where it stands and where you will be. See them at the same time each week on the same day. If that is every other weekend then make the time you pick them up on Friday night, the same time. Keep it on Friday night or Saturday morning – which ever it is – keep it the same. This helps everybody to plan their lives including you, their mother and the children. It gives consistency and helps to insure that you will have your time with your children.

   If your visitation arrangement to see your children is not at a regular time and you are not consistent then it is always easier for you to decide to skip a visitation. This can lead to a complete slacking off if you are not committed.

   Be consistent!

Now that we finished the seventh principle of Good FatherHood, I feel like the man who was given three wishes by the Genie in the lamp. If he was smart, after the first two he would have asked for three more wishes. There are so many possible principles for Good FatherHood that I could never hope to capture all of them in just seven. However, these seven principles are the ones that have been on my heart for many years. I believe these are the primary principles and from them the rest will spring.

Those seven principles of Good FatherHood again:

1. Love
2. Nurture
3. Discipline
4. Commitment
5. Responsibility
6. Closeness
7. Consistency

“The Seven Principles of Good Fatherhood” is excerpted from the Book On the Outside Looking In, a book written specially for separated fathers.